Ask a Biker Scout

Dear Biker Scout,
We desperately need some new living room furniture and I just can't talk my husband into spending the money. He says what we have is good enough, but our sofa is literally falling apart and I'm ashamed to have the neighbors over. Can you help me?

- Worried in Wookieville

Dear Worried,
The Merr-Sonn 7-PrG Proton Grenade is magnetically attachable shapecharge device that is known to be highly effective in standard demolition duties. Easily armed by a single twistable primer and activation plunger, the 7-Prg is not an easy item to disarm once activated. To deactivate the grenade, one must grasp the base of the unit firmly with one hand while forcibly twisting the plunger release counter-clock wise with the other hand. Smugglers are highly known to score the base of the plunger rod with a sharp cutting blade prior to arming the device, therefore weakening the rods tensile strength. With the plunger rod weakened, the rod will break under the twisting force of the de-arming procedure therefore thwarting any attempt at disarming the unit.

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Dear Biker Scout,
I'm stationed on an Emperor forsaken rock in the middle of nowhere with about 501 other troopers. I have a fetish for wearing other guys armor while looking at Ewok porn. The other day a good friend of mine was telling me that his wife left him because she came down with a case of Ewok Gonorrhea and the only place she could have got it was from him. I've had a flaming case of the Ewok Clap for a few weeks now and I think I passed it to him while I had a little "fun time" in his armor. Should I tell my friend?

- Eccentric on Endor

Dear Eccentric,
Each Biker Scout is requisitioned enough food rations to sustain a lone trooper for a week in the field. The rations come in the form of a pre-packaged meal designed for digestion, either in individual meals or in multiples of three meals for a complete ration. Each meal provides an average of 1250 kilocalories. Each box of 12 ration meals has two vegetarian menu meals. See Appendix D for a list of medical diet supplements to support 50 patients for five days. Properly identified medical diet supplements can be combined with the rations to meet the requirements for High-Calorie-High-Protein, Blenderized Liquid, Full Liquid, and Clear Liquid diets.

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Dear Biker Scout,
I have a problem that only you can help me with. I have a major crush on a woman I work with. Unfortunately, she is involved with someone else and I cannot get up the nerve to tell her how I feel. Should I take the chance and bare my soul or continue to hide my feelings?

- Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky,
Do not underestimate the power of low-tech weaponry, a rock is a formidable weapon. With a standard density of 3 kilos per cubic decameter, a rock can do massive amounts of damage to armor, electronic components, and sophisticated weaponry. When harnessed into a make shift sling, a rock can be hurtled up to speeds of 300 meters/sec, enough power to render a helmeted stormtrooper unconscious with a single head shot, or inflicting internal damage from multiple hits to body armor. In the same category, Logs, rigged as pendulum devices, make amazing defensive weapons also.

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Dear Biker Scout,
I was just flipping through the website and I noticed I saw my favorite guy from starwars, you. As a costume your equipment looks really awsome. Just wanted to let you know that I think it's really cool

- Steve on Yavin4

Dear Steve,
Please be aware that the standard issue 73H Speeder Bike is not a toy to be played with like the slow moving "trainers" used on the Yavin4 Training Camp. Utilizing an efficient high speeder Quantum Drive, the 73H can reach speeds at an excess of 150 KMH while in hover mode. This will do serious damage to a rider and care must be used in the operation of this vehicle. Good luck with the rest of your training.

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Dear Biker Scout,
On a recent trip to New York, I spotted several Wookies and Ewoks, having a steak dinner in Little Italy. My first impulse was to start blasting them, but they outnumbered me 15 to 1, and I wasn't sure if they had any mafia ties.

I am sure to go back there and this could happen again. How can I beat them with the odds stacked against me.

- TB069 in NYC

Dear TB069,
Rebel Command Bunkers are always a problem for the Imperial Biker Scout. Luckily for us, all Biker Scouts are requisitioned a Merr-Sonn Class B Thermal Grenade. A single baradium core grenade can disintegrate up to two meters of permacrete, so clearing a nest of Wookies and Ewoks is not problem at all. Simply set the timer on the grenade for 5 second delay, twist the activation end cap clockwise one half turn, then toss the grenade thru any open portal of the building. Stand back the approved safe distance and await the result.

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Dear Biker Scout,
Every dogdarned time i'm about to go on a bombing raid those blasted A-Wings shoot me down. I's starting to think Tie Pilot isn't a good job. If you have any ideas on how to shoot them down, tell me.

- Tie Pilot

Dear Pilot,
It is more difficult for you to satisfy your basic water, food, and shelter needs in a cold space environment than in a warm planet-side environment. Even if you have the basic requirements, you must also have adequate protective clothing and the will to survive. The will to survive is as important as the basic needs. There have been incidents when trained and well-equipped individuals have not survived certain situations because they lacked the will to live. Conversely, this will has sustained individuals less well-trained and equipped.

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TB-0801 is a highly decorated "Pathfinder" Biker Scout and galactically syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Scout Trooper, appears in 250 newsfeeds galaxy-wide. If you have a question that you would like answered by TB-0801, Email Us and we'll slide him the question. (Special thanks to TheOnion.com for pointing us towards TB-0801's column)